Yes, September came in like a lamb but went out like a lion! Usually September is a happy month for our family.( There are several birthdays among the family that we celebrate, mine and my sons birthday are on the same day.) But not this year.....countless screw ups, fighting with the family, heartache with friends....just the general feeling of being alone. It seems like when things go horribly wrong, you feel all the more alone. When you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, they do. So, I am glad to see September finally leave us, and hope in the coming months things will only get better.
I have learned alot this month and hope to carry it with me always. I think I have done alot of growing up and made some changes for the better. I am so thankful for my husband for putting up with me and sticking by me. He is the best, truly my soulmate. I have seen a different side of him and have a new respect for him. I think sometimes, life gets so hectic, that its easy to take your spouse for granted...but I don't want to do that anymore.
I have learned to think before I speak! Its ok to have an opinion and I may even get my feelings hurt but if I run my mouth before thinking I will hurt those that I love the most. I really do have the BEST best friend in the world because even though I hurt her deeply, she forgives me. She was the better person for coming forward apologizing, not caring who saw or what people thought. Looking back, the argument was kinda silly...and if I just held my tongue for a few days, I would have gotten over it and realized that it was just that...silly. It just seems like when things are bad in life, its easy to screw other things up and blow them out of proportion.
I have learned that its ok to ask for help. When I screw up or am just overwhelmed, its ok to need help. I want to please everyone, no matter how thin I am stretched. I have learned by trying to please everyone, which is impossible, I am only hurting myself and my family. What good am I to my children and husband if I am so stessed out that I cannot function? That I am physically ill, in danger of losing my baby? I have learned that I can't please everyone and its ok. At the end of the day, these people will still love me!
I have long ago accepted my sons autism, but I do go through periods of extreme sadness and grief. It seems like when things are bad, my sadness is magnified. Justin is having a really hard time right now and I am so sad but I also get very angry. My son should not even be autistic! He was a perfect, healthy, beautiful baby! To see him struggle everyday and make little progress, breaks my heart. He just wants to be like every other kid...accepted, normal. He didn't ask for any of this but he is trapped in his own body...unable to speak or let his feelings known. I get so upset at how ignorant people are about autism. You would think because it is so common now, people should have a general understanding of what autism is. Some people do not realize how blessed they are to hear their child say " I love you mom." Or when my child is sick, I would give anything for him to be able to tell me what is wrong so I can make him all better, that is my job. I constantly worry about his future and pray that he grows up feeling loved and that he has a purpose on this planet. Autism has forever changed my life....but Justin is my hero because he is the one living it!
Even though September has sucked, I will never forget the lessons I've learned. I could easily stay bitter and keep screwing up, or I can learn and grow from my mistakes. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I may only be able to count my friends on one hand, but they are truly the best friends and will be there for me no matter how bad I screw up. And it doesn't matter how far away they live....distance is no match for true friends!
